Oh depression, that dark heavy weight on my shoulders weighing me down. You arn’t always so bad, but when you are it bloody well sucks. Depression is one of those things so many of us live with our whole lives. Some have bouts of it and some suffer severly. I so wish I could help everyone suffering, to know someone is in so much pain they are pushed to suicide breaks my heart. 

I have suffered with depression for a long time now, I mean living in chronic pain, I am not suprised. Depression isnt an easy one to describe as it is so different for everyone, but its where you catch yourself staring at a wall doing nothing and thinking the most negative thoughts. You feel like your trapped in a dark room and cant escape or you are sinking and drowning in lifes negativities and cant get out. It is so hard to snap out of. Self talk is so important though, the power of the mind is AMAZING, if you catch yourself saying something negative to or about yourself, change the words. I CAN do it, I AM GOOD enough. Its not easy but its a helpful tip iv learnt along the way. Anti depressant medications are not a fix to depression, your mind is so important, nothing can fix your thoughts except yourself.

At the moment my self talk is shocking and my mind is drowning in negative thoughts. My motivation is gone, I feel I try so hard and have for years but nothing works? Nothing goes my way? So why do I have to keep trying!? Its not fair that there are those out there abusing their bodies with drugs and doing stupid things but Im here struggling day to day and can hardly work? But thats just what it is. I may not be able to do alot but I have to make the things i do special. I have to put my energy into me and not waste it on negative people or activities. My time is precious, I am slowly learning so much about life and myself and I love it. 
I have always said the one thing i am grateful for from becoming unwell so young was that I have learnt alot about myself and life. I know my body, i know myself and i know what i need. I am intune with myself. I dont feel i am 100% connected to myself yet but I am on the journey. 

Life can be so shit, oh so shit, but it is also so beautiful. We have so much to live for and to explore, but in saying that, it doesnt change how you feel when you struggle to get up in the morning. I know their is so much amazingness in the world but when you feel like your tiny little world is riddled with crap, nothing can clear your head from that dark cloud… except YOU. It is up to YOU to make the changes, no one can do it for you. At the end of the day YOU are choosing to survive, as hard as it is, we CAN do it. I have had my fair share of shit times and Im still here fighting. Yes i am low at the moment and am a teary mess but I am still here trying. Tired of trying but I still am. Because whats the other option? Not being here? why would i want to miss out on all the great things we experiance in our lives. We battle depression, can be the hardest battle of life but come out alive and strong. You are worth it and life is worth it.

I struggle daily with pain, I am in pain every second of every day. So i have so many different feelings, I am frustrated, angry, sad, empty, hurt… I dont blame myself for feeling so low though, I mean i deal with ALOT! But it doesnt matter what your battle is, wether you suffer with chronic illnesses or your having a horrible time at work/school, if you are struggling, thats okay. No ones issues are greater if you are in pain, we all go through different things that affect us uniquely so dont ever think your problems arnt big enough to matter.

Remember be nice to one another, be grateful, love with your whole heart, listen to others and take care of yourself. 

•B xx

my first post.

This is my first blog post. I don’t really know what I am doing but I know I am on a journey of personal growth. I have struggled for a very long time with invisible chronic illnesses and I am wanting to create this blog in hopes to get more awareness out there for families and friends of someone living with a chronic illness. No matter what, not everyone will understand what you are going through, they will think they do and try to tell you so, but they do not! I am coming up to 4 years living this hell and I am only 20 years old. I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia following along with Depression. I have something that usually only “old people” have, It is not fair. Yes I know things could be worse, I am always thinking about others but I am now at the point in my journey where it is MY turn. MY time to take care of ME. I think I am deserving of some TLC. I will eventually go in to detail on my conditions on another post but for now I am just typing away with what is on my mind. At the moment, I am a 20-year-old woman who is broken and angry but also strong.

•B xx